Scene 1: Lord Silver's Virginian Mansion; Virginian Bigwig: It is the age of pirates. They are our biggest problem. Lord Silver: Yes. Future Father-in-law: Hey, remember when you were 10 and your dad and I engaged you to my infant daughter? Well, she's sailing here through pirate infested water on my treasure laden ship. Marry her now and surely pirates won't get her. Lord Silver: Well, I never met her, there's a rumor she doesn't want to marry me, and judging by you, she's no looker. Not like I can marry without her here anyway. Father: Sure you can! I asked for her for autograph. Luckily she didn't notice she was signing magical papers that allow you to marry her without her here. Lord Silver: Hmmn, she doesn't want to marry me, but I don't want to break my dead dad's promise. I guess marrying her is the gentlemanly thing to do. Preacher: I pronounce you and these papers husband and wife. Virginian Bigwig: Gonna go sail to get her from your "cousin" the pirate? Lord Silver: Yes. --- Scene 2: Father's Treasure Laden ship; Heroine: I am fiery and independent. But also deadly terrified of the dark, this shows I have a vulnerable, feminine side apparently. Ugly Pirate: Yarr. Heroine: Good thing I signed up for those sword lessons in France even though I was getting trained as a lady in England. Boat Crew: Too bad we're such wimps. Ugly Pirate: Yarr. Heroine: Oh look, another pirate ship is boarding us. Silver Pirate: We shall gladly spare any who surrender. Heroine: Lay on, MacDuff! Silver Pirate: Say, you're that guy's daughter? Hubba hubba! Heroine: I cannot overcome your muscley manliness. ------ Scene 3: Silver Pirate's Cabin; Silver Pirate: Milady, since I guarantee that my unusually groomed and mannered crew and I are most assuredly pirates, I'll just leave you alone in the dark here. Heroine: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Silver Pirate: Something wrong? Heroine: I have issues, can I have a light, pretty please? I'll do anything you ask. Silver Pirate: Wow, you're sure easy. Here's your light. Heroine: Look, I don't really want to do it, see? I'll try to escape. Silver Pirate: Oh snap! Now I'll have to spank you. Heroine: I hate you. Silver Pirate: You know you want me. *fondle fondle* Heroine: Yes! um, no! Silver Pirate: Well, I'm just going to set down at this pirate island where I have a lot of enemies who might not trust me since I attacked that ugly pirate. By the way, they probably could use you against me, so I'll leave you here with one guard. Don't escape or anything. Heroine: Hmmn, if I stay any longer I might give into passion, well, being with a less gentlemanly pirate will take care of that. Sayonara sucker! Bad Rival Pirate: Yarr. I can use you against the Silver Pirate. Silver Pirate: Nope, it's just the middle of the book so I can save her easily this time. Bad Rival Pirate: Yarr. Silver Pirate: Milady, I captured you, terrorized you, fondled you, beat you, threatened you, what did I do to make you want to escape? Heroine: I'm still not convinced, somehow. Silver Pirate: Look, we're at my private pirate paradise. Heroine: Oh ok, the Stockholm syndrome is starting to make you look pretty good. *they do it* Silver Pirate: Well, now that we did it I'm ready to hand you back over to my "cousin". -------------------------- Scene 4: Lord Silver's Mansion; Lord Silver: Hi, sweetcheeks, turns out you and I are already married. Heroine: Sod off. Say, you look familiar somehow... Lord Silver: First you don't want to marry me, now you don't want to be married to me. Which is it? Heroine: Hmmn, I'm still in love with that horrid pirate, but his twin cousin is pretty hot too. Lord Silver: Let's consummate our marriage. Heroine: Yeah, I'll just go slip into something more comfortable...*climbs out window* I'll just escape into those dark woods.... No good, they're dark! Lord Silver: Not too dark that I can't easily track you. Heroine: Oh well, any port in a storm. Say, I'm ready to bore the audience with the reasons behind my fear of the dark. Lord Silver: Poor thing, you're safe now. *he does her while she sleeps* Heroine: WTF?! Lord Silver: I assumed it was ok because you didn't fight back while you were asleep. Virginian Bigwig: Oh hey, turns out your dad got captured by Bad Rival Pirate. Heroine, why don't you go ask Silver Pirate to rescue him? Heroine: And leave my husband who I suddenly have feelings for? Aw, what the hell... ------------------------------------------------ Scene 5: Tavern; Virginian bigwig: Say, Lord Silver, you know how you're really Silver Pirate and all? Readers: We surely did not see this coming. Lord Silver: Ok, I'll rescue her dad- dons fake beard. Heroine: Um, Silver Pirate, I'll give you this gold if you save my dad. Silver Pirate: I'll do it you sleep with me. Heroine: No. Suddenly I'm loyal to my husband. Silver Pirate: Ok, well your dad's totally toast. Heroine: If it's the only way to save him, fine. Silver Pirate: (aside) that whore! she's totally cheating on me! ---------------------------------------------- Scene 6: Pirate Island. Silver Pirate: We'll have to sneak in and get your dad. *his beard falls off* Heroine: You manipulative bastard! Lord Silver: Oh yeah? Well you slept with me while you were married to me, slept with me as me, then promised to sleep with pirate me again when I coerced you. You slut! Bad Rival Pirate: Look, can I just threaten your life so she'll realize she loves you? Heroine: I'm mad at him, but I don't want him to die... it's true love! Silver Pirate: Ok, thanks Bad Rival Pirate now I can kill you in a fiery duel that seems to kill both of us. Heroine: You're back! I thought you were dead! Lord Silver: No. Heroine: But oh no, now Virginian Bigwig knows you're a pirate. You're so boned! *she drones on about this for the whole chapter* Lord Silver: Nope, turns out I was working for Virginian Bigwig all along. Hmmn, we explicitly told the readers that several chapters ago. maybe we shouldn't have made it our climactic ending. ------------------- Scene 7: Lord Silver's Mansion; Heroine: Look I had twins. Lord Silver: Wow, they're not so bad for a mother who drank heavily through her early pregnancy. Moral of the story: Yarr.